Can love in marriage last?
Peter Perrem
When a couple stands at the altar and exchanges vows, by mutual consent their marriage comes into being. It is not so much something they receive as something they become.
The love we promised was that formula of words we recited or the priest put as a question and to which we said ‘I do’: ‘I take you… as my wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part.'
Whether fully aware of it or not, we were mutually promising total unconditional love that was exclusive and forever.
That is pretty scary if you stop to think about it and, at a human level, it is seemingly impossible to deliver on.
Yet amazingly most of us who marry are prepared to promise this love and hope that it will be the reality for us and we will somehow ‘live happily ever after’.
When you are in love, look handsome and beautiful and are in the romantic and exciting surroundings of a wedding day, everything seems possible.
When disillusionment happens later, which is inevitable given we are just human, we may be tempted to think that living happily ever after is just the stuff of fairy tales. How can we make that dream come true?
I believe we can if we understand the paradox of true love. It looks something like this. We need to learn to give our whole selves, die to our self-love and selfishness, not insist on having our own way and not be controlling.
We need to be kind, generous, patient and even more importantly, forgiving. Then that deep happiness and joy which our human spirit craves for and dreams of can become a reality.
It does not mean ‘never having to say you are sorry’ as per ‘Love Story’, quite the opposite.
Loving with less than your whole heart and soul is not really love at all, if you think about it; it’s more like self-serving love which is focused on ourselves, on what we want, and it makes us dissatisfied, demanding and critical.
Here is the strange paradox: any time you do something for your spouse, or another person, just for their sake, you not only please them and make them feel valued and loved, you somehow feel better about yourself.
It might be doing the washing-up unasked, or getting up to a crying baby when you are wrecked tired or spontaneously picking up some flowers on the way home to give your wife or an unexpected hug.
If the other person says something hurtful or upsetting try saying ‘You probably didn’t mean that’, rather than expressing your anger. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
As St John of the Cross put it; “Where there is no love, put love and you will find love.”
When a couple stands at the altar and exchanges vows, by mutual consent their marriage comes into being. It is not so much something they receive as something they become.
The love we promised was that formula of words we recited or the priest put as a question and to which we said ‘I do’: ‘I take you… as my wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part.'
Whether fully aware of it or not, we were mutually promising total unconditional love that was exclusive and forever.
That is pretty scary if you stop to think about it and, at a human level, it is seemingly impossible to deliver on.
Yet amazingly most of us who marry are prepared to promise this love and hope that it will be the reality for us and we will somehow ‘live happily ever after’.
When you are in love, look handsome and beautiful and are in the romantic and exciting surroundings of a wedding day, everything seems possible.
When disillusionment happens later, which is inevitable given we are just human, we may be tempted to think that living happily ever after is just the stuff of fairy tales. How can we make that dream come true?
I believe we can if we understand the paradox of true love. It looks something like this. We need to learn to give our whole selves, die to our self-love and selfishness, not insist on having our own way and not be controlling.
We need to be kind, generous, patient and even more importantly, forgiving. Then that deep happiness and joy which our human spirit craves for and dreams of can become a reality.
It does not mean ‘never having to say you are sorry’ as per ‘Love Story’, quite the opposite.
Loving with less than your whole heart and soul is not really love at all, if you think about it; it’s more like self-serving love which is focused on ourselves, on what we want, and it makes us dissatisfied, demanding and critical.
Here is the strange paradox: any time you do something for your spouse, or another person, just for their sake, you not only please them and make them feel valued and loved, you somehow feel better about yourself.
It might be doing the washing-up unasked, or getting up to a crying baby when you are wrecked tired or spontaneously picking up some flowers on the way home to give your wife or an unexpected hug.
If the other person says something hurtful or upsetting try saying ‘You probably didn’t mean that’, rather than expressing your anger. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
As St John of the Cross put it; “Where there is no love, put love and you will find love.”
