Author on joy of being a stay-at-home dad
Modern culture generally treats fathers badly - they're often absent or incompetent. To have something celebrating the role of a father is unusual. But Father Figures does just that.
Edited by Paul Connolly, it is a collection of articles by 20 Australian writers, including one or two odd contributions. But Connolly's own piece portrays the joy of being a stay-at-home dad.
For all the routine of making dinners, packing lunches, hanging out loads of washing, he recognises that "raising kids is not just a necessary job but a noble, rewarding enterprise." And he loves it.
He being a freelance writer, "it made sense" that his children's mother, after each maternity leave, would take up again the burden of being main breadwinner. Little more is said about her.
Dad, meanwhile, discovered that being an at-home parent led to great intimacy with his two children. "Earlier fortifications of personal space and sanctity are torn down and tossed on a bonfire."
As a result, "we hug, we kiss, we spill over each other on the couch, we wrestle and tickle until they scream for me to stop and when I do, they beg me to start back up again.
"I chase them down the hallway, roaring, and they flee, screaming, and not entirely for dramatic effect, before jumping on my bed." And he revels in it all.
For him it now "feels like the most natural thing in the world to tell my children I love them and to express that love through physical affection. It’s a vital part of the way I’ve bonded with my daughters, aged 7 and 10."
Not that he had any yearning beforehand to be a father. He never longed for children "with the kind of primal, biological ache we attribute to women, whether it applies to them or not."
Then his first-born arrived. "From the moment Abbie was dragged into the world at the end of a pair of forceps, I was smitten," he says.
"She was puffy-eyed, bruised and bloody, and her head resembled a missile, but I was happier than I’d ever been in my life and my tears fell on her face as I leaned in to kiss her.
“'Hello, my darling', I said to her, and I’ve been saying the same thing to her – and then Ada – every morning, and plenty of afternoons too, for the past 10 years."
But being a parent isn't all sunshine, especially since children can’t comprehend it.
"When Ada returned from school recently to find there was no bread in the house she asked, with some irritation: 'What have you been doing all day?'.”
Only when they have children of their own will they realise. "To be alive for that moment," he says, "is as good a reason for any parent to live a long life."
Ten years into the job, he knows well the toil that at-home parenting involves and, at times, the negativity it spawns.
Conditioned to believe that only work which furthers you intellectually, creatively and, in particular, financially is of value, he has his down times, where he feels that he is wasting time or not contributing.
It's as if "only paid accomplishments are of value," and "not the rearing of, and all the time spent with, happy, contented children who hum as they eat their dinner, who curl into you when you still read to them at night long after they’ve learnt to read themselves."
On top of that, there is the self-doubt that all parents experience. "Am I doing a good job with my children? Am I devoting enough time to them?," he wonders.
"Am I doing whatever I’m doing for their sake and not mine? Am I taking out my frustrations on them? Am I doing too much dictating and not enough facilitating? Am I screwing them up more than is normal?"
Amid all this, he enjoys " all the lovely moments, the little things," as they come and go, knowing they’ll soon be forgotten.
Already he senses that this phase of his children's lives is coming to its natural end. The next stage, he assumes "will involve, on their parts, much more eye-rolling than hand-holding."
Until then, he's hungry for what he can get before they all enter that new phase of their lives together.
But his piece may leave some working mothers wondering if they have been deceived once again by our anti-family culture.
Marriage in a Minute
Michael and Marian Foley
1. Love at first sight?
We met at a Cistercian monastery! These were regular contemplative retreats and having got to know each other over this time we discovered we had much in common. The rest is history...
2. Favourite memory of our wedding
The Mass! Fr. Adrian Crowley encouraged us in his sermon to "do something beautiful for God". And our first dance. We hadn't picked a song for our first dance, and the band decided to sing "When you say nothing at all".
We laughed together thinking that everyone would assume this was our favourite song. It is one of them now, reminding us of the beginning of our story.
3. Best holiday ever?
A family holiday to Connemara. We climbed in the wind and rain with our five kids up Diamond Mountain. We didn't make it to the top due to the weather, much to the disappointment of the children who were loving the wild western gales.
4. Who makes the breakfast?
It's a dash out the door in the mornings. Most of the kids can now make their own breakfast, but Michael will help the smaller ones. On special occasions, the children help make their parents breakfast in bed.
5. Who takes out the bins?
It's a joint effort. Marian gets from the kitchen to the bins at the side of the house. Michael puts out the bins for collection every week. We are happy with the arrangement. (Thank God you haven't asked about the laundry!)
6. Song of songs?
We are both great lovers of music and enjoy many genres (Arvo Part to U2), but it has to be "When you say nothing at all" (in true contemplative style) for the reasons mentioned above.
"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord."
7. Saints on speed dial?
St Anthony, as Marian is rather forgetful - and St Christopher. St Pio and Blessed Titus Brandsma are regulars for Michael. We have many other friends in heaven we can rely on.
8. Your greatest joint achievement?
Raising a family and the continual struggle to point them in the right direction. The Faith is important to us and the challenge is to pass this on in a world that is often at odds with it.
9. Best advice on marriage?
Storage, storage, storage! It can never be overestimated. Also, realising that marriage is a journey and that there will be good times and challenging times, but that this journey is something that shapes us for the better, helping the other to become a saint. Marian has her work cut out for her!
10. After 16 years, what makes your marriage worthwhile?
Marriage transcends and gives meaning to the mundane efforts of daily life. It places all we do at the service of others: our children, our families and our community. Ultimately, we hope we are doing "something beautiful for God".
Ireland to have key role in family revolution
Pope Francis, conscious of the immense global crisis in family life, wants to launch a revolution to renew once again in the modern world esteem for marriage and the family based on marriage.
And he wants Ireland to play a key part in the revolution. This was why Francis had personally chosen Ireland to host next year's World Meeting of Families, according to a top Vatican official.
Dublin-born Cardinal Kevin Farrell said that the Pope told him during the summer that Ireland’s missionary history had inspired him to choose this country for the 2018 week-long international event.
He quoted Francis as saying, “I have read that Ireland sent missionaries all over the world. I even had Irish priests in Buenos Aires. They Christianised many parts of Africa, parts of Latin America, certainly North America.”
Cardinal Farrell, who heads the Vatican's office for Laity, Family and Life, told the Irish Catholic that the Pope realises that vigorous action needs to be taken to promote the family.
Not that Francis is under any illusions about how Ireland is changing, conforming to the European pattern of disintegrating family life.
"He doesn’t think that Ireland is some miracle," said the Cardinal, but "he thinks there is a great spirit in the Irish people of giving of themselves to others, and of taking leadership roles.
"I think he would hope that Ireland would solve Ireland’s problems first. I think that’s the way that you project a positive message: you resolve your own issues,” he said.
Edited by Paul Connolly, it is a collection of articles by 20 Australian writers, including one or two odd contributions. But Connolly's own piece portrays the joy of being a stay-at-home dad.
For all the routine of making dinners, packing lunches, hanging out loads of washing, he recognises that "raising kids is not just a necessary job but a noble, rewarding enterprise." And he loves it.
He being a freelance writer, "it made sense" that his children's mother, after each maternity leave, would take up again the burden of being main breadwinner. Little more is said about her.
Dad, meanwhile, discovered that being an at-home parent led to great intimacy with his two children. "Earlier fortifications of personal space and sanctity are torn down and tossed on a bonfire."
As a result, "we hug, we kiss, we spill over each other on the couch, we wrestle and tickle until they scream for me to stop and when I do, they beg me to start back up again.
"I chase them down the hallway, roaring, and they flee, screaming, and not entirely for dramatic effect, before jumping on my bed." And he revels in it all.
For him it now "feels like the most natural thing in the world to tell my children I love them and to express that love through physical affection. It’s a vital part of the way I’ve bonded with my daughters, aged 7 and 10."
Not that he had any yearning beforehand to be a father. He never longed for children "with the kind of primal, biological ache we attribute to women, whether it applies to them or not."
Then his first-born arrived. "From the moment Abbie was dragged into the world at the end of a pair of forceps, I was smitten," he says.
"She was puffy-eyed, bruised and bloody, and her head resembled a missile, but I was happier than I’d ever been in my life and my tears fell on her face as I leaned in to kiss her.
“'Hello, my darling', I said to her, and I’ve been saying the same thing to her – and then Ada – every morning, and plenty of afternoons too, for the past 10 years."
But being a parent isn't all sunshine, especially since children can’t comprehend it.
"When Ada returned from school recently to find there was no bread in the house she asked, with some irritation: 'What have you been doing all day?'.”
Only when they have children of their own will they realise. "To be alive for that moment," he says, "is as good a reason for any parent to live a long life."
Ten years into the job, he knows well the toil that at-home parenting involves and, at times, the negativity it spawns.
Conditioned to believe that only work which furthers you intellectually, creatively and, in particular, financially is of value, he has his down times, where he feels that he is wasting time or not contributing.
It's as if "only paid accomplishments are of value," and "not the rearing of, and all the time spent with, happy, contented children who hum as they eat their dinner, who curl into you when you still read to them at night long after they’ve learnt to read themselves."
On top of that, there is the self-doubt that all parents experience. "Am I doing a good job with my children? Am I devoting enough time to them?," he wonders.
"Am I doing whatever I’m doing for their sake and not mine? Am I taking out my frustrations on them? Am I doing too much dictating and not enough facilitating? Am I screwing them up more than is normal?"
Amid all this, he enjoys " all the lovely moments, the little things," as they come and go, knowing they’ll soon be forgotten.
Already he senses that this phase of his children's lives is coming to its natural end. The next stage, he assumes "will involve, on their parts, much more eye-rolling than hand-holding."
Until then, he's hungry for what he can get before they all enter that new phase of their lives together.
But his piece may leave some working mothers wondering if they have been deceived once again by our anti-family culture.
Marriage in a Minute
Michael and Marian Foley
1. Love at first sight?
We met at a Cistercian monastery! These were regular contemplative retreats and having got to know each other over this time we discovered we had much in common. The rest is history...
2. Favourite memory of our wedding
The Mass! Fr. Adrian Crowley encouraged us in his sermon to "do something beautiful for God". And our first dance. We hadn't picked a song for our first dance, and the band decided to sing "When you say nothing at all".
We laughed together thinking that everyone would assume this was our favourite song. It is one of them now, reminding us of the beginning of our story.
3. Best holiday ever?
A family holiday to Connemara. We climbed in the wind and rain with our five kids up Diamond Mountain. We didn't make it to the top due to the weather, much to the disappointment of the children who were loving the wild western gales.
4. Who makes the breakfast?
It's a dash out the door in the mornings. Most of the kids can now make their own breakfast, but Michael will help the smaller ones. On special occasions, the children help make their parents breakfast in bed.
5. Who takes out the bins?
It's a joint effort. Marian gets from the kitchen to the bins at the side of the house. Michael puts out the bins for collection every week. We are happy with the arrangement. (Thank God you haven't asked about the laundry!)
6. Song of songs?
We are both great lovers of music and enjoy many genres (Arvo Part to U2), but it has to be "When you say nothing at all" (in true contemplative style) for the reasons mentioned above.
"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord."
7. Saints on speed dial?
St Anthony, as Marian is rather forgetful - and St Christopher. St Pio and Blessed Titus Brandsma are regulars for Michael. We have many other friends in heaven we can rely on.
8. Your greatest joint achievement?
Raising a family and the continual struggle to point them in the right direction. The Faith is important to us and the challenge is to pass this on in a world that is often at odds with it.
9. Best advice on marriage?
Storage, storage, storage! It can never be overestimated. Also, realising that marriage is a journey and that there will be good times and challenging times, but that this journey is something that shapes us for the better, helping the other to become a saint. Marian has her work cut out for her!
10. After 16 years, what makes your marriage worthwhile?
Marriage transcends and gives meaning to the mundane efforts of daily life. It places all we do at the service of others: our children, our families and our community. Ultimately, we hope we are doing "something beautiful for God".
Ireland to have key role in family revolution
Pope Francis, conscious of the immense global crisis in family life, wants to launch a revolution to renew once again in the modern world esteem for marriage and the family based on marriage.
And he wants Ireland to play a key part in the revolution. This was why Francis had personally chosen Ireland to host next year's World Meeting of Families, according to a top Vatican official.
Dublin-born Cardinal Kevin Farrell said that the Pope told him during the summer that Ireland’s missionary history had inspired him to choose this country for the 2018 week-long international event.
He quoted Francis as saying, “I have read that Ireland sent missionaries all over the world. I even had Irish priests in Buenos Aires. They Christianised many parts of Africa, parts of Latin America, certainly North America.”
Cardinal Farrell, who heads the Vatican's office for Laity, Family and Life, told the Irish Catholic that the Pope realises that vigorous action needs to be taken to promote the family.
Not that Francis is under any illusions about how Ireland is changing, conforming to the European pattern of disintegrating family life.
"He doesn’t think that Ireland is some miracle," said the Cardinal, but "he thinks there is a great spirit in the Irish people of giving of themselves to others, and of taking leadership roles.
"I think he would hope that Ireland would solve Ireland’s problems first. I think that’s the way that you project a positive message: you resolve your own issues,” he said.
